Reason number 510 to eat a healthy diet: Had some fattening food today, and pooed a brick. My husband nearly fainted.

   Poor man.

   I think I may have rid the house of vermin too.

   I have gone down another pants size! I have gone from a size 26 to a size 18. Huzzah! So, to reward myself, I have taken two breaks from the gym, and I have been eating some deliciously unhealthy food. I deserve a break. I also deserve a proposal from Thor (god of thunder) any day now....Thor should come to his senses soon.

   I may have tied him up and made him watch Full House reruns. I may have not. No one knows where he is (My basement...doh! Why must I always give away my diabolical plans! Too much ego, THAT"S why!), and I think force feeding him the entrails of a coyote is wearing him down. He'll learn to love me for it. They always do.

   Tip of the day: Never procrastinate when it comes to eating healthy. Just tactically delay. A few examples of tactful delaying:

1. Telling my husband Thor will fall in love with me eventually. I should tactfully delay this for our anniversary dinner. That's a good time.
2. Informing my husband that the fried tofu I served tonight was "fried vegetables." He actually choked down a bite before I told him what it really was. Tactful, right?
3. Getting plastered all weekend long, in front of Thor. I'm tactfully delaying until he breaks into a rage. It'll happen eventually. Anger is a passionate emotion...and passion is good.

   Instead of the recipe of the day, I will list some healthy, yummy foods that I enjoy. At Trader Joe's, I love to get the following:

1. Booty. Whoops...how did that get there?
2. Mango Pineapple Salsa.
3. Garlic Hummus.
4. Low-Fat Tortilla Chips.
5. Pumpkin Pancake and Waffle Mix. I love pumpkins almost as much as I love Fabio.

   Ha! Nothing truly comes close to Fabio. Except maybe defacing public property. Now that's my idea of a good, clean fun.

   Thank you for reading, my minions! May the schwarz be with you in all of your health endeavors!

    

   It's that time again!

   Time to really focus on eating like a level 5 vegan: Don't eat anything that casts a shadow.

   Does seafood cast a shadow? You know, while it is still alive and swimming and pooping in the water? That is why I make it a point to never drink water, on account of the disgusting things fish do in it. Maybe I could live off of seafood for the next.....lol. Sorry, can't even type that one with a straight face.

   My stomach was upset earlier Friday, so I texted Vance to let him know I couldn't do our core exercises that day. This is our text conversation:

Me: "I'm sorry, but my stomach feels terrible. I can't make it to the gym today."
Vance: "Are you sure? 500 crunches will make it better."
Me: "You suck."
Vance: ":-("
Me: "Don't pretend you feel bad."
Vance: "I'm crying on the inside."
Me: "Good. Shows you have human emotions."
Vance: "Ssshhh. It's a secret."
Me: "Not if I Tweet it."


   Now the world knows...this may lead to mass hysteria, but the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is worth it. Certain truths in life are worth risking much. For example:

   We didn't climb to the top of the food chain to be vegetarians.
   I think my husband is allergic to "whole grain" products. He just looks at the box and gets ill.
   I am running away with Thor, the God of Thunder. Oh, wait....maybe that on is more like a "fantasy" than
   "reality." Could it still be considered a truth?

   Recipe of the day: "Acorn Squash Apple Soup"

Ingredients
(Makes 4-6 servings)

1 acorn squash
2 tbsp olive oil, divided
1 medium onion, diced
1 large apple, diced
2 tsp chopped fresh ginger
4 cloves garlic, chopped
2 cups garbanzo beans
1 tsp dried thyme
1/2 tsp dried sage
4 cups water vegetable broth
2 cups apple juice
Freshly-ground salt and pepper to taste
    
Directions
Preheat oven to 375°F. Cut squash in half, rub with a little oil, and place on sheet pan cut side down. Roast for 30 minutes, or until insides are tender. Remove from oven and allow to cool.  Scoop out insides of squash and set aside.

Add oil to a pot over medium heat. Sauté the onion and apple for about 5 minutes. Add ginger and garlic and sauté for an additional minute. Add garbanzo beans, squash, thyme, and sage. Cover with vegetable broth and apple juice and bring to a boil. Once boiling, reduce heat, cover, and cook until vegetables are soft, about 15–20 minutes.

Next, blend the soup by using an immersion blender or transfering it to a regular blender. If using a regular blender, be very careful as the steam can sometimes cause the lid to blow off. Allow the soup to cool for a few minutes, then blend small batches on medium speed while holding the lid down with a large pot holder or towel in hand. Serve hot, with salt and pepper to taste.

   Thank you for reading this blog, my minions! May the schwarz be with you in all of your health endeavors! 

 

 

 

Rise and shine...it's bum-whooping time!

   Yesterday's workout beat my bum so bad, it should have bought me breakfast.

   Oh, that's right...I said that.

   Seriously, though; it felt awesome. I could barely climb stairs without wheezing like a 20 year chain smoker, but hey...that comes with the territory. I increased my reps and upped some of the weights. Every mom should be proud of me.

   That workout helped me to sleep like a rock last night. I think rocks get pretty good sleep, considering the fact that they are usually sleeping on the ground. But hey, if a boy scout can do it, so can a rock.

   Does anyone have any suggestions for good ab workouts? I think I should make mine more difficult (Although I am already difficult enough. Just ask my husband). So leave comments with ab workout suggestions please!

   Recipe of the day: Gluten-free sweet potato hash with eggs
                                Remember: If you want potatoes, always go with sweet potatoes!

Ingredients

Makes 4 servings

2 medium sweet potatoes, peeled and finely diced

1/4 cup plus 1 tsp extra-virgin olive oil

3/4 cup finely diced red bell pepper

3/4 cup finely diced green bell pepper

1/2 cup finely diced red onion (about 1 small onion)

2 tsp minced garlic

1 tsp minced jalapeño pepper

1/2 tsp sea salt

1 tsp minced oregano

1/2 tsp freshly ground black pepper

1 pinch of paprika

4 large eggs

Directions

Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Cook the sweet potatoes for about 3 minutes, until crisp-tender. Drain and set aside.

Heat 1/4 cup of the extra-virgin olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add the red and green pepper, onion, garlic, jalapeño pepper and salt. Cook for about 10 minutes, stirring frequently, until the vegetables are soft. Increase the heat to medium-high and add the cooked sweet potatoes, oregano, black pepper and paprika. Cook for about 10 minutes, stirring frequently, until the vegetables are soft and lightly brown.

Meanwhile, heat the remaining 1 teaspoon extra-virgin olive oil in a large, preferably nonstick skillet over medium heat. One at a time, break the eggs into a small bowl, and then slide them into the skillet. Cook until the whites are set. Gently turn the eggs over and cook for about 1 minute for over easy or about 2 minutes for over well.

Nutrition Facts

Per serving: 294 calories

20 g fat

3.7 g saturated fat

215 mg cholesterol

4 g fiber

8 g protein

21 g carbohydrates

332 mg sodium

   Thank you for your participation my minions. May the schwarz be with you in all of your health endeavors!